Mga Kwentong Itlog (Egg Tales)

Kwentong Itlog 1:

I hailed an Uber car this evening to get home. I was pleasantly surprised that my driver for the night is a cutie: based on his profile, driver Michael Angelo is yuppie-looking type that probably spoke English and drove Uber as a past time. So I planned to take the passenger seat (which I don’t usually do) to take a closer look (and probably more!) at this most likely gem.

When the car pulled over, I got the shock of my life when Michael Angelo looked a hundred times better – he was a Jak Roberto doppleganger (though I could only discern half of his face) with nice arms and a flat stomach (and probably some abs), discerning from his perfect-fit shirt. He also had a nice leather-strap watch and a magnetic bracelet (do these things work?).

What made the ride interesting was where he kept his smart phone while navigating the car – he kept the thing in between his legs, right in front of his crotch! So throughout the trip, he kept on staring on the road AND his crotch! Very interesting.

But at some point, he lost his internet connection and told me he wasn’t familiar with the roads we are going to take. His Waze (GPS application) wasn’t working, so I assured him that I’m very familiar with the way. But then, HE WAS MOTIONING ME TO LOOK AT THE DIRECTIONS ON HIS PHONE, AND YOU PROBABLY KNOW WHERE HIS PHONE WAS — RIGHT THERE IN HIS CROTCH.

So Michael Angelo was pointing at his phone placed at that very strategic place and was inviting me to look at it. Ayayayayay! So as a dutiful passenger, I did. I moved my head closer to his crotch, to his phone. “Wala ngang connection” was all I could mutter. I sniffed the area too, of course (walang amoy).

And since he gave me authority to fiddle with his phone, I motioned my arms towards his crotch, err, his phone. “Diretso ka lang, malayo pa tayo kakaliwa.” I turned my head to gaze at him, and he was looking directly at my eyes. He had those curious, glazed eyes. Shit.

I broke the “tension” by asking him “at ganito talaga ang pwesto natin? Amoy na amoy ko na betlog mo!” He mustered a faint laugh and a cute, meaningful smile. I was no longer at ease with my position. I then lightly tapped his thigh…

Nope. I won’t be shitting where this boy is getting his income. My experience with straight men – let them do the first move. The first OBVIOUS move. And I am not planning to be blocked by this reliable car hailing service should all these signals he was giving prove to be just all figments of my imagination.

Throughout the remainder of the trip, I just kept a friendly chit chat with Michael Angelo. I tried to get to know him – he’s 26, lives in a city near me, and was glad to reach the area where I live, which he has heard of before but has not visited. You are more than welcome here man!

Kwentong Itlog 2:

I asked Michael Angelo to drop me in a grocery (which was not really my original drop-off point) because I had to pick up some stuff I forgot from last weekend’s grocery list.

While scanning my items, the cashier and the bagger (a girl and boy, respectively), inspected the eggs I had in my cart. However, the cashier haphazardly opened the carton, prompting the bagger to comment, “Kaya ka nababasagan ng itlog eh!” He then shared a story that happened some weeks ago when the cashier broke a dozen eggs doing the same thing.

“Hindi ako marunong humawak ng itlog eh.”

“Teh!!! Mas marunong pa akong humawak ng itlog sa iyo! Tuturuan kita daliiii!!!”

“Hindi ako marunong humawak ng itlog eh.” she shyly confessed. The bagger and I let out a boisterous laugh. And in my most bakla tone “Teh!!! Mas marunong pa akong humawak ng itlog sa iyo! Tuturuan kita daliiii!!!” The corporate trainer in me took over, so proceeded to demonstrate how to handle the eggs properly. “Huwag mo kasing binubulatlat ng biglaan, mababasag talaga ang itlog! Dahan-dahan, huwag sunggab nang sunggab! At huwag mong bibiglain, baka magulat sa iyo!”

The cashier was genuinely thankful for the egg-handling lesson. “Salamat po, balik kayo!”